Stumbling Through An Idiot Universe

It happens. You wake up. You look around you. Is it the night? Or the day? You take notice of the world around you. You look in the mirror. You ask yourself, "Where am I? How did I get here? Where am I going?" Things look good. Life is good. Nothing can rain on your parade. Did you remember to check your Twitter message? Did you remember to check your Facebook? "People like this," you tell yourself. I must be doing something right. They like this. I don't want anybody to tell me different. I don't want anybody to disagree with me. Just tell me you like this. Makes me feel good. God, I want to feel so good. Just make me feel good.

And the day moves along. People are smiling. Hearts are open. The grocery clerk notices your walk, your hair, your dress, your smell, your shining car, your style. You have been reading those books on positive thinking & feeling good about yourself. You have been listening to self-help tapes on making money, getting along with others, & working things out with yourself. You have been thinking about your inner child, your parents, keeping a journal, and saying all the wonderful things you want to say to others on your Facebook wall, Twitter messages: "Be positive. Stay strong. Keep your head up. Don't let people get you down."

Still, you cannot forget when you woke up this morning. It was a strange feeling. You don't want others to know. It happened for a split second. You didn't know where you were. You felt there was more to reality than what you had been told by well-meaning teachers, friends, and family. You felt it ring through you. But you don't want others to know you felt uncertain about things even in your positive thinking & affirmation of self. You felt that strangeness in the air. It pressed your faced against the mirror. You looked closer at yourself. Questions began to circulate in your mind. No, no, you're not suppose to be asking questions, you tell yourself.

I'm suppose to have it all together. I'm not supposed to stumble. I'm supposed to be strong. Have it together. Oh, wait! I need to be strong, positive, and have it all together because people expect that of me. No, wait...that's what I expect of myself. I'm strong. I know. Yes, I know. I should know. People expect me to know. I'm special they tell me. I have a better grasp of things than other people. I can do this better than others. I am powerful. Don't you know that? I don't stumble.

Last night I had a dream I was somebody else. But, how can that be? Last night I dreamed I had died, and started a new life. But, how can that be? Last night I dreamed I was a deer alone in the forest, running swiftly, powerfully, masterfully. How can that be? Last night I dreamed I was someone stumbling.

Through an idiot universe made of impulses, trusts, and divine lusts. It is a universe growing, expanding, developing itself through me, and my many identities. A universe that is learning as I am...a universe that trusts more I than I do. A universe that doesn't need the questions as much as the answers that live within. That idiot universe carries me as I stumble through and lifts me when I fall. Though I may stumble through this idiot universe, I am learning to remember that I don't have to be perfect, special, and important. To an idiot universe, all things collapse into a unknown world of new beginnings. And that's okay! :0